Don't worry Trust God

Yesterday, mama and I had our siesta late and it was already dark when I woke up and my hands touched my right breast. Under it I felt a lump that was painful. My right chest has been feeling some heaviness and pain the past days and I also have been feeling on my right breast and would check it but could not feel any lump until yesterday.

As mama was beside me, I also asked her to touch it and I told her that I do not want to have another operation and if I have another mass that I would try herbal or something else. We both felt sad but she prayed over me and that made my heart lighter.

Today, I wasn't feeling too well since I still feel the pain on the right chest and breast plus my stomach has been acting up for 4 days already. Well it is partly because I have been eating a lot during the past days also and so finally started to eat just banana and rice and grilled fish plus lots of fluid and oral rehydration salt. Anyway, I try not to think about it but after my afternoon prayer and while waiting to take my medicine before going on my siesta I was randomly reading reflections on the "Our Daily Bread 2012" my sister gave me for Christmas. I have been reading on several random days reading and reflections when my doubt on my health crept up again. And I prayed once more and asked the Lord to answer if I would still make it on my next birthday... my 50th birthday! I told Him I'll go to the page for December 19 and wait for His answer.

The quote for that day was from Mark 5:34:

"Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace and be healed of your affliction."

The evangelist, Mark wrote "daughter" not son or anything else but daughter! God knew before hand that I would be asking the question and look at that page and He gave me His answer even before I asked it. He is truly a great God. I don't know why I still keep worrying. I should just trust Him completely and be at peace as I go through my healing.

My soul, don't worry! Trust God!

New Christmas Tradition

Our family as in the previous years is celebrating the Noche Buena.

We had our get-together in midnight sharing simple meal and the kids opening up their gifts. We could hear our neighbor having a sing-a-long earlier in the day but they stopped near midnight. We on the other hand opened our videoke but we only played Christmas songs. No one really sang-a-long, mostly it was just background music while we ate our Noche Buena. There was something new though. Earlier I asked my nephew to put the name of everyone in pieces of paper and fold them and after our meal we drew lots and you will have to do an act of kindness or service to the person whose name you picked on Christmas day.

It was funny but one nephew, Laurence who is 10 years old was wondering earlier what could he do it he picked up the name of my mother... and true enough he picked her name and suddenly went on the floor as he exclaimed "Oh men!" and we all laughed.

Christmas day I was up early and was having breakfast when Laurence came in with a mug in his hand. I asked him what he will do and he said he will prepare coffee for mama... ah his good deed since he knew mama loves coffee! I noticed that mama had coffee earlier and so I told him to ask her first. He went to her room and came out exclaiming "Oh men!" He was not able to accomplish his mission! I told mama about it and she said that she just wanted to rest and that the kids should not be noisy, so I told him that his good deed involved reminding his cousins not to be noisy.

I actually picked Laurence also and it was hard to do a good deed for him Christmas day as we had visitors and our help had their day off so I was able to do it the next day already.

I was thinking this year it was not easy to implement this act of kindness but in time I want it to be part of my family's Christmas Tradition where we don't just pick up the name on Christmas eve but much earlier so that we have a longer time to do our act of kindness. I certainly am looking forward to this!

What Matter in Christmas is Mater, right?

I have been spared from materialism this Christmas!

I have not been going out much so I didn't get to see the crowded malls, the busy shopping areas, the bright lights and decors that adorn the streets, buildings and most areas during Christmas.

The decors we put at home were old Christmas lights (that still worked, thank God!) on our window, the Belen (nativity scene) with small Christmas tree that goes with the scene plus another small one (though slightly bigger than the other) on top of another cabinet where some of the gifts were placed. The church has been saying that we should focus Christmas back to Christ and I'm happy that we had a simple Christmas celebration this year.

As I was reflecting on the call to bring the focus of Christmas back to Christ, I thought that Mary's "Yes" to the Angel Gabriel was the best gift Christ had. Christ's Christmas gift was his mother, or "Mater" in Latin. Mary and Joseph on the other hand had Christ as their gift -- His presence in their lives! Yet, they had other good gifts in between. For like us, I figured that they too had moment of doubts when they said their "Yes" to God that they somehow need assurances too.

Mary's biggest assurance came when she went to visit her cousin Elizabeth to serve her. When Elizabeth proclaimed her greeting to her after John, the child in her womb leaped for Joy, Mary was so filled with happiness that she exclaimed her Magnificat. The Angel was right!

I also thought that the three magi's visit was more for Joseph than for Christ. Babies don't care for gifts and Christ like any baby would not have appreciated the gold, frankincense and myrrh they brought but would rather have His mother's milk and touch! But I could imagine the effect of the three magi's presence to Joseph! He would have been very happy and reassured that he made the right decision when he listened to the angel in his dream and took Mary as his wife even if she was with child. For now before him was Christ, the savior! And though not that important, their gifts had bearing too, for he would have used it to care for his family when they flee to Egypt.

So material gifts we give and receive on Christmas are good but our presence and love to our friends are better. And we should remember that Christ's presence in our life is our biggest gift not just on Christmas but everyday of our lives. He is always there for us even if we don't always feel His presence. However, it is always great to get reassurances of His presence and love.

A merry and blessed Christmas to all!

May we always be sensitive t0 Christ's presence in our lives! And may our presence to others remind them of Christ in their lives! (",)

Presentation

Our company field auditors are having their annual meeting in the conference room of one of our warehouses. I used to be in charge of this meeting and training but Raul took over since I am on leave. Actually he called me last week informing me of the meeting and told me that they would come to my home for my birthday and bring their dinner with them. I told him that we are having a family get-together that day and I would just go there the next day if I am up to since I also made a Training Presentation on Fraud Auditing.

I had time in my hands and I was able to get a book on Fraud Auditing and I knew that the information will help improve the skills of the auditors. At first, I thought I would make a manual which they could use but when Raul told me that they will push through with the meeting, I decided to turn it to a presentation instead thinking that my chemo would have been finished a week before and my body would have recovered from the usual pain and discomfort after the chemo.

The Powerpoint presentation was ready and so was I. I knew that my brother could easily bring me to our warehouse where the conference room is very nice and the location is far from the toxic environment of our office where there are so many people that vehicles would not be able to make it to our building. All was set until my mother had an accident on my birthday and I thought that I would not be able to make it after all but my mother was fine (thank God!) and I did make it.

It was nice to see the auditors including the new auditors that were hired since I was gone, there were a lot of them! The auditors also appreciated the presentation both the content and the manner it was presented... ahemmm! I, on my part felt happy to do the presentation even if I did not receive any salary being on leave without pay for a couple of months already. Yes I was tired after the 4 hours presentation but it was worth it! I have been with the company for a long long time and the auditors are not just my peers but my family. I don't know if I will still be with the company next December.... No, I'm not talking of death, it may come, only God knows but I am not really thinking about that. I just thought that the office area is really a toxic environment, pollution and people wise (sooooo many people there!) and the commute is difficult and I might just find it necessary to think of other work to provide for our financial needs. So, I'm grabbing the chance of still being able to share a part of myself to them until I can.

I did not put it off for tomorrow for tomorrow may not come.

Now, that should also be the case for my spiritual service to others... Not put for tomorrow what I can do now. My action is limited at the moment but whatever I am able to do, I should do. It is difficult Lord, so please push me!

Best Birthday Gift

I have been praying for a lot of people but for sometime now I have been praying fervently for the brother of my former office mate. I met Meldy one time when I went to the hospital for my test and she told me that her brother who has multiple sclerosis was also in the hospital so that I promised her that I would include him in my prayer. I would inquire about him from time to time and his condition was not getting better... for a long time he has been in the ICU and I told her we should continue praying, then he was finally moved to a room but it was a temporary victory since he would have seizures and seemed to have lost zest for life as he sit with his sad eyes. Even Meldy was losing hope and that's the time I ask God for an urgent action! Although I have not met him and don't really know him, I found myself waking up very early in the morning with a great desire to pray for him... and I did! I would tell God that it was really urgent. Please let him go home so he could spend Christmas with his family.

And yesterday, I got a text message early in the morning from Meldy telling me that his brother was finally discharged last Saturday! Oh I told her that it was one of the best birthday news I got!

Yup yesterday was my birthday and I got good news early which made me really happy. Well I'm always happy on my birthday feeling so blessed! And knowing that we will have a family get together was something to look forward to.

And the get-together was really happy! Well that is until mama collapsed and hit her head. Blood was oozing and we all panicked! My siblings brought her to the hospital and those of us at home prayed and prayed. It was late and we suddenly grew tired but we kept on praying. Oh God, please take care of mama! I also asked for prayers from people in my community and somehow I felt at peace... I suddenly knew that God will take care of mama that even if I was on my celfone waiting for news from my sibling , I dozed off for a few minutes until I noticed a text message from my sister that mama was okay, no internal bleeding! Mama is okay!

Mama and my siblings arrived from the hospital around 4:00 am the next morning. It seemed a long time they were in the hospital! And as I look at her sleeping, I could only thank God and tell Him that mama is the best birthday gift I got! Thank you Lord!

Psalm 34

Today is the day I will get the result of my blood exam and see my doctor for confirmation of my 6th chemo, my last chemo! My past chemo treatments were just fine, the side effects for one week are predictable so even if I was in pain and uncomfortable for a few days, I know it will pass and I don't really have to worry about my sickness as my treatment is on course. However, I was apprehensive the past days because I already took antibiotic for 7 days for colds and sore throat but I still feel that I have stuffy nose and I could not have chemo if I am sick and I so desperately want to have my chemo on schedule!

When I woke up early this morning, I told God that I am afraid and could He tell me what to do. Can He please give the answer when I do my readings? I sighed and begged "Oh God, You have to answer me!" And there I read Psalm 34! I love 2 verses from that psalm and would even sing it as God's assurance to me. He just did not give me an answer that would reassure me but He gave me something He knew I love. There was nothing to be afraid of, He is in control! I was at peace as I softly and gratefully sung repeatedly...

I sought You Lord and You and answered me; from all my fears You delivered me. I look to You and I'm radiant with joy, my face is never clouded with shame. (my version of Psalm 34:5-6)

True enough, my blood result was fine and my doctor said that the stuffiness was just allergic rhinitis and that I would have my chemo as scheduled!

Thank You so much dearest Lord! Sorry if I am anxious at times. Bear with me because You really are my only hope. I love you!

Magnificat

The Responsorial Psalm for today was not from the Book of Psalms but taken from Luke 1:46-55 or Mary's Magnificat.

I have written previously how I loved the second joyful mystery - The Visitation and would ask Mama Mary to visit me and care for me as she did her cousin Elizabeth. And as I was reading the Magnificat, I reflected on Mary's life.

When the Angel Gabriel came to her to announce the birth of the savior, I was thinking that she was a bit doubtful and scared but nevertheless consented because she knew of God's promise to Israel. The Angel Gabriel also told her that her cousin Elizabeth, who was barren, was also with child and she went to visit her and care for her. It was only after Elizabeth paid her homage when the child in her womb leapt with joy upon hearing her greeting as she exclaimed "Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb!" That was Mary's assurance of God's promise, an affirmation! Any doubt that she may have during the angel's visit was gone and she was happy! It was then that she proclaimed her Magnificat!

There are also lots of times when I feel that God is asking me to do something... something beyond my comfort zone and I am afraid to move... sometimes I even stall but when I feel God's push and consent and move despite fear of what is going to happen, that's the time I feel God's affirmation and I cannot help but be grateful and thank Him for giving me the grace to heed His call.

I wish that like Mary, I will ever consent to God's call. I should realize that doubt may come and God's assurance may not come immediately but if I persevere especially in serving others as He wants me to, then I would be certain that God will comfort me and assure me and I too will proclaim my own Magnificat of God's goodness!

Joey Velasco, the Heartist

Oftentimes I would be watching or listening to the live streaming radio broadcast of Pamilya Mo, Pamilya Ko (Your Family, My Family) at the Radio Veritas. I like listening to them not only because of their topics but also because of the broadcasters' hearty laughter that is contagious. They have different guests each day based on their topic and today, their guest was Queenie Velasco, the widow of the late Joey Velasco.

She talked about her husband - his art, his book, his passion, his projects, his dreams, his legacy; their life together including how they came to be together; their faith and beliefs; and the their children.

I did not catch his full name when I started to tune in, just his first name and his work Hapag ng Pag-asa (Table of Hope), his version of the Last Supper featuring Jesus with street children. I immediately thought "I know that!" and remembered how moved I was looking at the paintings taken from a calendar that covered part of the glass windows of the bus I was riding to work. Even if the bus was so full, I tried squeezing my way slowly so I get to see his different paintings and marveled at them. And I continue to be awed each time I get to see them as I rode the bus again.

I was listening and at the same time browsing about him. He died last year of kidney cancer complication at the age of 43. Forty Three! So young! And leaving a wife and 4 children! So who's going to take care of them? Listening to Quennie dispelled the fear of what was going to happen to them, I guess He left this world knowing that his family will be taken care of.

By the proceeds from his art collection you may ask? His art collection was great and would command a big price but they decided not the sell them -- not one of them! They are works not to be sold but to proclaim God's goodness in His life, in their lives! And through them Joey would continue to share God's goodness to others! And God, never to be outdone, will take care of his family!

I was joyfully laughing at some of the anecdotes shared by Quennie but mostly my eyes were welling up from listening to her. It was not tears of sadness but of joy of the life they shared -- even through their pain in difficulties, there was love and commitment... to each other, to their families and mostly to God!

And as I was reflecting on his life, I was thinking that 43 was just a number. Yes, he left us pretty early if you think about his age BUT he fulfilled so much in that lifetime! He has touched so many people's lives and will continue to touch more through his work, his foundation, and his family.

Then I thought of my life, I'm going to be 49 soon. How long will I be around? I really don't know! Does it matter??? Well I hope to stay around a lot longer but everything is in God's hands. I've realized that age is just a number... what matters most is life that comes with it.

I have LIFE and I'd like to live that to the best I can for myself, my family, my friends, others... and yes for my God. It doesn't matter whether I am strong or I am weak. I can do something! It doesn't matter if it is great or small... I can do something!

Blessed are the Beautiful Feet!

I opened my email once again to read the daily reading, psalm and gospel and I was struck with the reading:

For, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For one believes with the heart and so is justified, and one confesses with the mouth and so is saved. For the scripture says, "No one who believes in him will be put to shame." For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; the same Lord is Lord of all, enriching all who call upon him. For "everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

But how can they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how can they believe in him of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone to preach? And how can people preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring (the) good news!" But not everyone has heeded the good news; for Isaiah says, "Lord, who has believed what was heard from us?" Thus faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes through the word of Christ.

But I ask, did they not hear? Certainly they did; for "Their voice has gone forth to all the earth, and their words to the ends of the world." --Rm 10:9-18

I was particularly struck with those words I have typed in bold letters (Rm 10:13-15) as it made me reflect on the talks with some friends from the Netherlands. They say that they believe in God but do not see the need for the church. One in fact hates the church and would mock me when I tell that I give to the church, saying that I should instead just give to the people in need and I would say that I do that too but I like to support the church because I get my spiritual nourishment from her! I would say that somehow they are lucky to have parents and their church before that taught them about God and the faith but what about the next generation? Who would teach them about God???

Then I thought of all "sisters" in the community who are really very active in evangelizing the good news. Going out of their comfort zone, going to mission areas just to proclaim God's goodness. How beautiful and blessed they are! How beautiful are their feet that walks to proclaim Christ!

The Joyful Visitation

I once told my cousin that I would pray the rosary apart from the family rosary we pray every night. And often times I'd pray the Joyful mysteries even if it not a Monday or Saturday because I particularly liked the second mystery -- the Visitation. And each time I say it, I would ask Mama Mary to visit me and care for me as she visited and cared for my namesake, her cousin Elizabeth more than 2000 years ago!

Today I was talking with my cousin in Skype, and she told me that now, she too asks Mary to visit her as she has visited her cousin Elizabeth more than 2000 years ago.

I am sure that Mary indeed visits us when we ask for her Joyful Visitation!

St. Martin de Porres

Today is the feast day of St. Martin de Porres.

He is one of the Patron Saints of our family as we also ask for his intercession when we pray the rosary. I remember shouting his name when I was in the recovery room after my operation last July, I am just not sure if I was shouting it in my dream or I actually shouted his name.

He has a statue in Sto. Domingo Church on the right side (on the left is our Lady of La Naval) and they have a novena every Tuesday at 5:45 pm. I wonder if they still give bread (pandesal) to the people after the novena? Somehow I felt that he visited me during my operation so I thought I'd also visit him on his feast day.

Happy feast day! Please continue interceding for us.

Fr. Chito Tagle, the new Archbishop of Manila

Bishop Luis Antonio "Chito" Tagle has recently been appointed the Archbishop of Manila. People who have approached me are always excited when they invite me to his talks and they have reason to be. I've heard him and he has a very nice and humorous way of expressing his reflections that makes you reflect too.

I thought I'd share his talk in the 49th International Eucharistic Congress in Quebec, Canada titled "The Eucharist, the life of Christ in our lives." It is a very good reflection especially his own sharing of his own experiences...







I was particularly drawn to his insight on how the Roman Centurion was a model of adoration. How he watched Christ suffer from the hands of the high priest till His death on the Cross... giving His life in obedience to the Father and for the love of the people including those who betrayed him. He watched Christ as part of his duty as a soldier... he did not care how he suffered after all the people condemned him to die as a criminal and he has seen a lot of those being nailed on the cross... but Christ continued to carry his cross with complaining... forgiving those who wronged him... bearing the pain and suffering even if He could not feel the presence of His Father but surrendering everything to Him... all because of LOVE! The centurion saw this and could not help but contemplate on the truth that in the end exclaimed "Truly, this man was the Son of God." (Mark 15:39)

Like the Roman soldier I should always contemplate on the love of Christ despite all the noise, pain, hate and injustice happening around me because there is so much goodness and love in so many people that surrounds me after all. Likewise, I hope that being able to carry my crosses without complaining will also make others reflect on Christ's love. I know that so many people care for me and would want me to overcome my sickness yet there are others too who don't really know me. I hope that when they see me cheerful, hopeful and open to God's action in my life, they too would be able to say that "truly she is a daughter of God" and maybe get inspired too.

I believe such happened today because after the mass, a lady approached me and smiled as she touched my arms and said "God bless you!" Maybe she was happy to see a bald lady in bandana who should be sick yet was joyfully participating and celebrating the Eucharist...

My Third Chemo

My second chemo was postponed by a week because my white blood cell (WBC) count was very low and I had to be given injection to boost it and Thank God it improved.

After the discomfort and pain on the first week after my second chemo, I was again feeling better and and believed that the blood result test for my third chemo will be good that I just asked my brother to get it. Unfortunately there were several deviation from the normal level including the WBC which was lower than normal but not as low as before and the SGOT/SGPT which shoot up as compared to previous results. Oh Lord, I don't want another delay! I had to go to the doctor for his opinion praying all the way.

Indeed my result did not look good to me but my doctor, the specialist, had his own computation and reference and he says I can have my chemo as scheduled but I just have to take vitamin for my liver. I was happy!

I had my chemo and during his rounds he explained that he already anticipate the lowering of the results, it is part of the chemo process as the medicine targets the fast growing cells which are the cancer cells it also targets other good cells, so I just have to continue eating well and doing exercises to ensure that my body recovers for the next cycle.

I thought how it is with God. He has His own standard. he knows our weakness and loves us still. We just have to do the best we can so we experience His healing love.

I have to do my best and believe!

Thinking Differently

Steve Jobs died yesterday. Although the cause of his death was not given, it is believed that he died of pancreatic cancer, the disease he was diagnosed with and has been battling for a long time.

I don't have a mac, an ipod, an iphone, an ipad or many of the gadgets Apple has introduced into the market but I have been at amazed at how he returned and transformed Apple to what it is today after being kicked out from the company he founded...how he continued to work on his passions despite his illness and how his products have so much following. He certainly changed the way many people lived their lives.

I was reading on him and was caught by the Apple's 1997 advertisement "Think Different" and thought that it finely captures his take on life.

On that video they featured prominent people who think/thought differently and had a great impact on people's lives. And I thought of people I'd include if I were to make my video of people who thought differently and had a great impact on my life.

Jesus also thought differently, he was considered a rebel in his time. He did not think like the Jews of his time or like the world does. But his thought was in accordance with His Father. He is also asking us to do the same.

The saints and the martyrs also did not think as the world does. And they never lost their focus on God and their faith as they fulfilled their vision and mission. They should be our model in our role as Christians.

In this age of information technology, we should likewise "think differently" without losing our focus on our vision of sharing the gospel to the ends of the earth. It is so easy to just go with the tide and be like the rest and use our computer and the internet for information, work, relaxation and entertainment. This is especially now for me especially since I am temporarily not able to move about while undergoing chemo. Maybe it is time to think differently and use it to fulfill my mission as a Christian?

Well I know it is but I sure need a push! Oh God, please give me the grace not to just think differently but to act on your inspirations!

The Sign of Jonah

The Reading for the past 3 days has been from the Book of Jonah. It is one of the short books in the old testament and easy to read and it is also one of the books in the bible that strikes me most. Even Jesus made reference to it as he told the Jews asking for a sign that no sign will be given them except the "Sign of Jonah."

"In the same way that Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of the monster fish, so will the Son of Man spend three days and three nights in the depths of the earth." Mt 12:40

Jonah's staying in the belly of the fish for 3 days and nights after he was thrown by the sailors to calm the sea is one of the greats stories and miracles in the Old testament. Yet Jonah is far from being an ideal prophet. He was so unlike Isaiah who immediately answered "Yes" to the Lord when called upon. He was a reluctant prophet full of pride and loves to complain, who would rather die than be proven wrong or be uncomfortable.

Sometimes I see myself as Jonah.

Oh how I could whine like Jonah over discomforts! I remember how I used to tell God a long time ago that He could take my life anytime for I was ready! Then I got sick and was in and out of the hospital for more than 3 months, having one operation after another. It was so distressful that I would cry and complain until one time I remembered how I keep telling God that I was ready to die anytime. I heard the words in my mind and I laughed! I actually laughed out loud and said what a hypocrite I was. There I was telling the Lord He could take me anytime, yet I complain from the pain and discomfort even if I was far from dying. I realized then that I look at death as the easy way out rather than bearing the cross of Christ!

I also feel like a reluctant prophet just like Jonah was! Sometimes I could feel God moving me to do something for Him but I stall or dilly dally, refusing to be out of my comfort zone or wonder if what I'm inspired to do would actually accomplish anything, afraid of failing or be laughed upon. Oh I could be stubborn but the Lord never gives up on me and arranges things so that I may do His will.

The Book of Jonah is open ended. God asked him if he had a right to be angry for feeling discomfort or for hurting his pride even if such would show God's mercy to a lot of people. The book did not say if he had a changed of heart and followed God's will and design but I certainly want it to have a happy ending.

My sickness... I didn't really asked God why or why me when I got to learn about it. Somehow I knew that He has something good in mind. Yet there are times that I lose heart also. I pray that I focus on the miracle Jonah experienced and not on his shortcomings. I pray that the miracle feels so BIG that I could no longer feel distracted by the discomforts. Just like Jonah being inside the fish for 3 days and nights, I hope that I appreciate the little miracles I have been experiencing while I am sick and I hope that such miracles move me to completely trust and believe in Him and to consent to His will!

Ahh yes and to act boldly on His inspirations!

So please dear God, give me the grace! Amen.

My Family

Felt a lot of discomfort the past couple of days. Just thought how lucky I am to have a family that cares for me... especially a mother who despite being in pain also as you can see from her deformed body brought by osteoporosis just pours out her care for me.

Sometimes I would think of my family as dysfunctional, far from the ideal calm family. Our household is oftentimes like a riot especially with all the kids around... small kids... big kids (that would include me!) but in every crisis, you feel their concern.

It is a this moment that I truly feel blessed to have my family and I thank God for them!

Perseverance

I read Luke 8:4-15 (The parable of the sower), the gospel for today and was struck on the last word "Perseverance". Reflecting on it, I felt that I had a lot of working on my perseverance of being a true Christian. I realized that like many other people, I too am chocked by the anxieties (most of them useless actually), riches (though I don't really long for so much, I realized that I could be attached to some things also) and pleasures of life (well I look forward to enjoyment too), it is only through prayer and God's constant calling that I am somehow able to break free from most of these thorns that block my complete union with God. So I have to persevere in my prayer, not just babbling words but really believing every word I say... to have a prayer not from my mind but from my heart... and to be able to release that prayer in my action! It is a lot of work but that is what would make God happy!

I was still carrying the word when I remembered our talk on your attending a centering prayer and there is one thing that you can't understand from the practice, why would you disregard a consoling thought which you are certain is coming from the Lord. All I told you is that the practice is just a method the leads you to contemplation and being in union with God and that there are other methods, including the rosary that could lead you to contemplation. You know I've read books on centering prayer and attended retreats and workshop but I am not really one to be able to tell you exactly on what it is, what it covers. But I do know that I like the prayer because it is a simple prayer that allows you to just spend a moment with God with no expectation, that what is most important is your commitment and desire to spend it with Him. I like the idea of letting go of all thought (even holy thoughts), meaning not entertaining them but just letting them pass by and focus once again on the silence by saying so gently the sacred word, or doing the sacred gaze if you are in the adoration chapel. I like it because often times when I am not busy, my mind is full of thoughts that I would sometimes tell myself to just stop thinking!
I believe the idea in centering prayer of letting go of even those consoling thoughts you mentioned is a preparation for the time when you will no longer have them. You are lucky if you have consoling thoughts all through your life but I've learned that there will be moments when you will pray and you will not have the consolation of feeling God's presence, when only your faith tells you that He is there even if you can't feel Him so your persevere in your prayer and wait until He decides to give you consolation again... all in His own time.

This thought made me remember the 3 Teresas. Teresa of Avila (just finished rereading John Beevers' book on her), Therese of Lissuex and Mother Teresa of Calcutta. All three had consolations early on in their life but they experienced dark nights and the feeling of the absence of God. But they persevered because it is not their feeling that was important but God. Oh how I wish I could be like them!

Then I thought about you again Sis Dale, and thought how great it is to have consolations from God... your descriptions of your visions and your dialogue with Him could be so vivid and I know He has a purpose. You are bringing so many souls closer to Him!

I don't get that vivid vision, but I do feel His presence. I wish He'd show himself to me clearly like He does to you. But even without it, I know He is at work in my life because of the so many miracles happening in my life... and that is the revelation of Himself to me... of his love for me. That is why I know I have to persevere to show Him my love!

In mass when the priest raises the host, the body of Christ, the congregation would answer "My Lord and my God." I say that too, but often times I say "My God and my all!" and I know that I have to persevere so that it is not just in my lips but really in my heart.

Letter to Sis Dale

So I am finally going to start my journal my dear Sis Dale and I really don't know how!

You first told me to start one when I first opened to you about my inner thoughts before I had my operation, the start of my healing process after being diagnosed with the BIG "C!" That was in July yet. Even my siblings wanted me to write. I would have loved to write but every time I open my computer and start. I could not!

You told me again today to work on a journal to write about God's inspirations to me during these moments but honestly most of the time, I see no visions nor words. All I know is that He is with me all throughout. That He will see me through this all at His own perfect time and design. So I see myself as having an idyllic moment with Him with no expectation but just spending time in His presence. Like Mary waiting at the feet of Jesus just savoring His presence!

I know that there is something brighter coming my way after all this so I wait.

I wait for the Dawn!

Does that mean that I am currently in my NIGHT time spending my dark moments? Of course not! Night time is when you get your rest from all your preoccupations! And I certainly am setting aside my concerns just to rest in Him... Ahh that would not be the exact truth, sometimes small concerns do prop up in my head but praying, communicating with Him eases my mind and spirit.

You told us once that you had a vision from God and He gave you a new name... "Aurora"... Bukang Liwayway... DAWN! I thought I'd properly title this journal with reference to your new name and the title of a song I borrowed from a friend "Waiting for the Dawn." I hope that as I wait for a brighter vision and clearer mission from God, you will be my inspiration. Your zest for the service of Him, our beloved.

I don't know how long I will be in waiting, or what would come next! All I know it that Dawn will surely come and I eagerly await it!