I have started this blog in September but I learned about my condition in June yet.
It was just accidental since I was going to the Medical center for rehab of my knees and shoulder when I decided to visit the Ob-gyne for ultrasound since there were small cysts in my last ultrasound in January of 2010. They were just for monitoring so I wasn't really concerned, just thought I was there so I might as well have it. The result was not good as there were big masses in both my ovaries and further test showed that it was non-benign so it was leaning towards malignancy. Okay, a total hysterectomy would solve it and when I finally found an Ob-gyne oncologist, he asked me to have CT scan of the whole abdomen which showed that it was not confined to my reproductive system but have metastasized to other areas including my liver and lungs. Doctors says that those are just images of course not concrete yet but if they are positive then that automatically makes my case Stage IV cancer! I was shocked since I was not really feeling bad except for the body pains and my friends were telling me that I should get further test since I may just be cystic and it may just go away. So I got another test and it really did not look good. Since it looks like it has metastasized I would need tumor de-bulking, that is remove as much tumor as possible so the chemo would be more effective since there would not be many cancer cells competing after the medicine. And due to the extent of the procedure the doctors also said that I should have my operation to where I was having my tests and consultation and not on another cheaper hospital my obgyne-onco was affiliated since it did not have the operating facilities and residents familiar with my case.... Ahhh that meant MONEY! I was thinking that I would deplete all my resources and won't have anything more left for my family plus I might get from their share of the meager properties we have!
I was not really worried on dying but I was worried on the physical difficulties and the anxieties of the disease and the money involved... Ahhh MONEY! And I remembered how I would share on my spiritual community about Financial stewardship. That all the resources we have are not ours but we are just stewards. I have always lived simply not needing a lot of stuff that I could give more and still have enough for me. But now I would have to spend maybe everything of what I have and it made me feel uncomfortable!
If I am going to trust God on this, I thought I should be able to listen well to His promptings and I wanted all obstacles that would prevent me from doing so. I asked my Chapter head if I could talk with Sister Dale who gave talk on Inner Healing and she agreed.
I don't really share all my concerns with people even my close friends. I would talk about a lot of things and would comfort people if they come to me but to share my INNER THOUGHTS -- my deepest fears, my aspirations, my sins, my frustrations, my weaknesses with just one person I have not really done. I would always reason that people already have their own concerns though at times I would also wonder if they could really understand me. I wanted to be healed completely or to finally come to God's presence the best way I can and I did not want anything blocking it and I asked Sis Dale to listen and to ask me questions that I may be free of all my conscious and unconscious concerns. And she agreed and it felt liberating! I am now ready for whatever happens. God is in control and I would just have to listen!
I don't really ask for prayers from other people but this time I was willing to ask... not just ask even BEG! And I feel so blessed that so many people are praying for me and helping me including financially. It is simply overwhelming! My previous Sector head even organized a "2000 Hail Mary's prayer" a few days before my operation which lasted for 8 hours.
MIRACLES
I had my operation and it went for 8 hours. I was wheeled in to the OR at past 2 pm. On the OR table, the anesthesiologist stretched a wooden plank on my left hand and placed needles for my IV medicines, then I had my epidural anesthesia, after which he stretched my right hand and placed stuff for monitoring. With my arms stretched I imagined Jesus Christ being put on the Cross. The Doctor said that the anesthesia was only for half of my body but he was going to make me sleep and he placed a tube mask on my nose and I prayed "Lord let me rest on you" and I was asleep. The next time I woke up was in the recovery room and I did not feel any pain or discomfort. When I was brought back to my room, my sister told me that the Doctors told her that the operation was for 8 hours -- my obgyne onco worked on me for 1 1/2 hours and the rest of my onco surgeons worked the remaining 6 1/2 hours. My sister told me "Your operation lasted as long as the Novena, surely Mary was looking after you during the time!" The doctors were amazed that I did not have to go the the ICU after the massive surgery as like most patients do and that was my first miracle.
I looked funny when I saw myself. I had so many tubes coming out from my body -- from my nose, my chest, both sides of my lower abdomen and a catheter for peeing, so I called myself "Beth TUBO." The most uncomfortable one was the one on my chest since the doctors also took part of the CA in my lungs where they could reach too -- they said there were a lot but they were able to remove around 30%. However, except for the chest drain, the tubes/drains were slowly taken and the doctors were happy with my progress. I was in the hospital for a long time staying in a ward for 4 people separated by curtains. My younger sister, an architect, took care of me. She was planning to go abroad to work but did not push through and it was a blessing since she worked in a caregiving facility when her family stayed in Australia during her husband's schooling and she could not get a work related to her course. That was my second miracle. The Lord arranged things so that she would be able to take care of me and boy, did she take care of me!
She was not a prayerful person but she started to pray, getting all the novenas being given to us. And she noticed a lot of small miracles happening like the other patients area in my ward of 4 patients being miraculously vacated when there would be many visitors... geez I had a lot of visitors (told you I feel so blessed). My friends, my communities, my families, officemates including those that have already resigned from my company.
I also had a lot of financial help from my friends, families, my communities and people at work. I was worried of money but the Lord provided me and I felt a bit embarrassed because some of my friends gave sooo much, it was simply illogical! I also knew that people that pinched in from my company, especially those from our branches were in more difficult situation than I was yet they gave from their nothingness, even small amount when put together becomes BIG. How can I not be touched? How can I not feel that God was taking care of me!
BIGGEST MIRACLE
I mentioned earlier that the tubes/drains were slowly removed except for the one on my chest. That was the most uncomfortable and painful drain I had. The liquid coming from the lungs initially became minimal and they were thinking of removing it after an x-ray confirms that it was okay. But I had a leak, the x-ray (2 of them) did not look good, and the liquid output increased! One of my onco surgeon told me that it might be the reaction of the CA cells and that I would most likely have my chemo with my drain on. Oh that certainly did not make me feel good!
On my 13th day, I was okay in all aspects except for that so the doctors agreed that I could go home with the drain on. The bill was also piling up and the longer I stayed meant the bigger my bill and it was already HUGE! My sister was telling me that maybe the Lord just wanted me to go home with the drain so the people at home, especially the kids see how difficult it was for me... she said this because if you look at me, I really did not look sick and I could easily laugh when people talk to me (this of course is also a miracle). I was not sure and I was still apprehensive of the tube but we left after clearance and getting the instruction on how to monitor and care for the tube drain and bottle, on the signs to watch for which necessitates an immediate trip to the emergency. I was actually scared but I felt reassured when one of the residents who cleaned my drain told us that he believed in prayer. I texted my other onco surgeon the opinion of his peer but I told him that I believe that God has other plans!
So we left the hospital on a Friday a bit sad with the drain on my chest and carefully holding on to the drain bottle. The kids saw my bottle and felt sad too. We were carefully monitoring the liquid in the bottle and careful in cleaning the chest wound for the tube in my drain. There was no leak! Saturday came... then Sunday, there was still no leak and the there was almost no liquid output in my bottle! My sister was right, maybe the kids just have to see my bottle. We called the doctor and went to his clinic immediately on Monday, he was amazed and removed the drain! He felt that God was working in me! And that was my biggest miracle so far!
MY ROAD TO HEALING
My operation was successful but it was just a first part of my healing, the greatest part would be my chemotherapy and I needed to have it a soon as possible since there were still CA cells left in my lungs aside from any possible microscopic traces left in my abdomen. I had my first (of my 6 cycle) chemo on August 20 and it went well. I know God will guide me all through out my battle with the cancer... the big "C"
I should not be afraid of what's to come because as I saw a poster in one of the doctor's room... the big "C" is not really cancer... "My Big C is Christ!"
